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This is a story about never giving up on your dreams and the lessons I've learned to overcome trauma in order to transform it into love.

In the past I attracted men who claimed to love me but never showed the actions to support it.  My first boyfriend when I was 16 raped me and cheated on me with a 13 year old.  I have so far experienced 5 more sexual assaults. After the last one I realized that the men who inflicted the pain upon me were suffering more than I ever could because they do not know how to give and receive affection or compassion.

Six years after meeting one of my soul mates he went missing and was murdered before I could tell him that I loved him. From then on I promised myself to be fully present in the moment and to be grateful each day I get to experience paradise with those I love.

Last year I quit my job because I discovered that they were poisoning me by exposing me to chemicals that were labelled "Marine Pollutant" and knowing that my brain is 80% water I had to quit because the upper management did not want to hear about alternatives.  I have yet to find steady work to make ends meet since then.  Later that year my husband, after five months of supporting him financially and emotionally, became so violent that the people in the apartment below us heard had to call the police for me!

Two weeks ago I borrowed some money so that I could spend 8 days with a person I had only interacted with online prior to leaving.  My intuition told me to just trust in this adventure and he turned out to be the man that I've been dreaming of and we had the greatest time of our lives so far!!!  We have the same passions, lifestyle choices and long-term goals.  We have quickly developed a deep desire to be with each other because we know that we both are incredibly unique and we feel like we've found our truest match!  Our dream and long-term goal is to open a holistic healing retreat centre in Costa Rica where we would be featuring natural building techniques, local, gourmet raw food, Quantum healing touch, various Yoga techniques, Horticulture Therapy and surf camps. 

The are a few factors that are keeping us apart.  I'm Canadian, he's American and we're both in debt.  I still need to pay for a divorce, legal aid and moving expenses.  The apartment that I live in currently is where my husband assaulted me.  The building manager happens to be the mother of my first rapist and by chance my next door neighbour happens to be an abusive ex-boyfriend.  I haven't been able to afford to move and for 6 months I was disabled by Post-traumatic stress disorder and couldn't work. 

My greatest desire now is to connect with a man who has shown me the most love, appreciation and kindness I have ever experienced!  I want to be able to finally celebrate and grow within a relationship; after overcoming so much I know I deserve to be happy!!! 

Having dreams are what have kept me resilient, creative and alive after all the trauma that I've experienced.  If my dreams were taken away from me, I would have nothing to live for.  I greatly desire just for once that I will see my dreams become a reality!  I would love to see a transformation from trauma into a fairy tale that ends happily ever after!!!

in loving remembrance

Just some wisdom I came across today. Enjoy, be inspired, and know that all is as it should be.

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The hero put Medusa's head down for a moment,
remembering not to scratch it on sharp rocks.
There was a small soft patch of seaweed and of fern,
and Medusa having been a daughter of the sea
was welcomed by the plants there as a sister.
And her power transformed them: each stem,
each leaf, each tendril hardened into stone.
Sea nymphs, excited, brought more seaweed
to Medusa's head, to watch the magic happen
as fading green turned into semiprecious stones
and filigrees and dainty lace. This how coral came to be:
from those weeds petrified by Medusa's gaze.
~Ovid, Metamorphoses
 
Medusa is one of those ancient goddesses who was converted into a monster by later cultures. The familiar myth shows her as a terrifying figure, a snake-haired woman who turns stone anyone who looks upon her. Yet this winged, angelic figure was once a solar divinity, a great goddess whose very name means "ruler of humanity". Hers was the magic of transformation, which comes through centuries after her demonization, in the words of the Roman poet Ovid.

We demonize those whose power we fear. There would be no need to call her monstrous if Medusa did not represent a kind of power which makes some feel uncomfortable. She is like an inkblot test: we see in her the very thing we fear. That is Medusa's true mirror. Look into her face, and you will be frozen with your own inner terrors. And from that moment, you can move toward transformation, because you will know what you fear.
~Patricia Monaghan, The Goddess Companion (318)